Little Goods and The Big Bads
My parents put their dogs to sleep yesterday. The dogs were sisters, 18 years-old, and suffering from a variety of ailments ranging from heart disease to deafness and random seizures/strokes. It was time for them to go, for sure. However, this loss was on the heels of a month of pretty hard hits. The loss of my brother in-law. A good friend lost her baby. And these are just things that pertain to my immediate life, the news is also filled with horrible things.
When I told my daughter that her grandparent’s dogs were gone she was pretty unmoved by it. She pointed out that they were really old, and calculated their dog-years at 136. Then, about an hour or so later she said, “When will all this bad stuff stop happening?” I stumbled around for an answer before dropping her off at ballet. I thought about her question for the next two hours. What I did not, and do not want, is a kid or anyone, including myself to become sucked down into the world of “All this bad stuff always happens to me” which is incredibly easy to let happen. I know people like this. People who take no joy in even big amazing happy things, because they are just waiting for the next bad thing. Because as you know, “bad things always happen to me.” Here’s the thing – (SPOILER ALERT) This is true. Bad things are going to happen to you. They are going to happen to me. Bad shit happens to everyone. It doesn’t matter how good of a person you are. It doesn’t matter what religion you are. Bad shit is going to go down. You are going to get divorced, or lose your parents, or lose your job, or go bankrupt or become disabled. Who knows? You can’t control it. It’s just the way. What you can control is your perception of life and the world.
I’m going to try to explain this without being too New Agey. Let’s look at the examples I gave you of the bad things I’ve experienced over the past 30 days. 3. 3 really sad horrible things. Obviously bad things carry different weights, the loss of a dog is not as heavy as the loss of a loved one (some people are going to argue withe me here. Don’t. It’s not the same.)But let’s weight them the same and math this out. 3 bad things over 30 days. During those same 30 days, I’ve experienced hundreds of good things. Dozens and dozens of little moments that would be unnoticed if I hadn’t been paying attention. Things like, my son learning the word ‘Happy’ and saying it over and over. Hundreds of hugs and snuggles from both my kids. A nephew is due to arrive any moment. A lovely trip to the apple orchard that resulted in 40lbs of apples and consequently pies and crisps and other treats. I have a refrigerator full of food and a tank full of heating oil. And there are more. Many more. All of these little goods can easily be swallowed up by the big bads if I let them. And in the face of big bads, it takes genuine effort to pick out the little goods and acknowledge them. However, when you do, you start to realize that ‘bad things always happen to me’ is not true. What IS true is ‘bad things and good things happen’. But, how many times have you heard someone say, “Good things ALWAYS happen to me!”? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that. But it’s just as true as the converse. And honestly, a lot of the time life is about neither. It just is. Nothing is happening to you. You are just doing your thing, going to work, picking up the kids, making dinner, going to bed, etc. I’m going to put that in the good column. You don’t have to though, you can just put it in the neither box.
When I picked up my daughter from her ballet class she was all smiles. She’d had a great class. She loves ballet, she even invented a new stretch for ‘The other girls with long legs like me!’.
“These are the good things” I said. “These things, ballet, your friends, having fun, these are the good things that happen all the time.” She didn’t say anything. Then, we both noticed that the sunset was incredible. I pulled over and took a picture. “This is another good thing. Look at this beautiful sky. If you are only thinking about bad things, you wouldn’t notice how pretty it is.”
“Mom. I get it. Roll up the window. Did you make tater-tots?”
And I had. And they were good.