Snails On My Face


Do not put snails on your face for real. No really. Do not. Picture via By Jürgen Schoner

I do not consider myself high-maintenance. As a mom and a writer, I often get so busy with deadlines and regular life, I don’t have time to take a shower every day. I wear yoga pants or jeans most of the time, and I only get my hair cut when my bangs are so long that I can’t see. In most of my Instagram photos I’m wearing a hat. Is it for fashion? No. To show off my knitting skills? Well, maybe a little. To hide my dirty, unbrushed hair? Yes. I’ve even decided against dying the grey that has started weave its way through my dark hair. I honestly don’t mind how it looks, although grey hairs are very unruly and have the texture of what my daughter refers to as, ‘downstairs hairs’ (you can figure that one out on your own, I think). In addition to thinking grey hair looks cool, I also recognize that I’m too busy/lazy/cheap to keep up with regular hair appointments, and I know the roots would grow out and look much worse than the grey.

I turned forty recently, and in the run up to my birthday, discovered, or re-discovered makeup. For all of my lack of care when it comes to my hair, I have found that I do care when it comes to my face. Which is to say, the deep wrinkle between my eyes and the very dark circles underneath – which you can read all about here. I‘ll admit to being borderline obsessed about my dark circles. And so, in true confession format, I will also own up to spending what some would consider an insane amount of money on face creams. No, I’m not going to tell you which ones or how much, but if I did, I know you’d give me a stern look and say, “KATE!” in a disapproving tone. Also? My wrinkles are not any better. However, my face is super smooth. Which is why, finally, after many recommendations from both friends and beauty bloggers  (who are not my friends but I wish they were) I just ordered not one, but two products that contain snail slime as an ingredient.

That’s right. Snail slime. Slime from snails. You know those little gleaming trails that come out of a snail’s foot/butt that kids call a snail trail? That stuff. Have I jumped the shark? Gone off my rocker? Drank too much of the proverbial Kool-Aid?  Yeah, it’s totally likely. But, this is supposed to get rid of my dark circles AND my wrinkles! I will look like I’m twenty but without Botox and will still be able to perform a range of facial expressions. The purchase of these snail-enhanced products lead me to wonder, would I, Kate Kastelein, put an actual live snail on my face? And I have come to the conclusion that yes, I probably would, provided it met the following criteria:

  • 100% assurance I will not come down with some horrible disease.
  • The snail is no bigger than a nickel.
  • 100% guarantee it will get rid of my forehead wrinkle and dark circles
  • They sell these snails at Sephora

I was explaining all of this to a friend and she immediately said, “Oh yeah, that’s a thing” and sent me a link to this article. Will I travel to Tokyo to let snails crawl on my face for $250? No. But  only because they don’t guarantee that my wrinkles and eye bags will be cured. Otherwise, I’d be on the next plane.



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