I was just sitting down with a nice cup of coffee, getting ready to enjoy a webinar on e-newsletters, (what, I’m a dork) feeling pretty good about my day, when I noticed my dog wasn’t in her usual spot. Then I smelled a terrible terrible smell. I jumped up and ran to the entryway, because that’s where she goes to poop if she can’t make it outside. Hmmm, there’s the dog, but no poo. Where’s the poo? I can smell it. Ohhh there it is, attached to the dogs butt in a giant poop ball. *Note* this is a common occurance with dogs that grow a lot of butt hair. I just didn’t think my dog’s butt hair was that copious yet, clearly it was. So, dog’s response to getting caught shitting in my entryway was to freak out. Obviously. I mean wouldn’t you? Please, don’t let me catch you shitting in my entryway just to prove a point. Trust me, you would freak out. The dog runs around the house trying to shake the poop off, thus covering my house with tiny shit balls. Nice, right?
It gets better! I am frantically trying to chose between; clean up shitballs all over the living room OR wrangle dog and take her up stairs and throw her in the tub OR just run away and burn my house down. *KIDDING* Either way I need two things: Rubber gloves and Paper Towels. I have NEITHER. Great. This is why you need to get plastic bags at the grocery store once in awhile. They are great as ghetto rubber gloves. Luckily, I have a bunch. I don my “gloves” and pick up the poop scrids off the floor using toiletpaper. Meanwhile dog is peeling out all over her dog bed.
Finally, the poop is cleaned up and I take her upstairs to the tub to check out the situation. The situation is this: She has an enormous ball of crap stuck to her. I have to pull it out and cut it off gagging the whole time. The tub is now filled with shit and dog hair and won’t drain. It’s at this point I get a piece of shit spray directly on my eye. OK, not directly IN my eye, but in the general area of my eye. Like, on the eyelid. Either way, I have dog shit on my face now, but my hands were wrapped in plastic shopping bags and my bath tub is full of poo water. There was nothing else to do but press on. I finished washing the dog, she jumps out of the tub, runs downstairs and rolls around on a huge pile of laundry I had just put on the couch to fold.
I ripped up an old towel, dumped a gallon of bleach in the tub and cleaned up the damage upstairs. I’m still working on the damage downstairs. Why don’t they teach classes in school on “How to decontaminate your house when it’s covered in shit.” Because I tell you what, if you are ever planning on having kids or pets, at some point your house is going to be covered in shit.
And yes, the only thing that kept me from freaking out was thinking about what rad blog material the situation was. I’m here for your entertainment.