I Wear My Sunglasses at Night, and on Overcast Days, and in the Supermarket.

If you have the luck of seeing me out and about, I am probably wearing sunglasses. Not just any sunglasses but huge, monster sunglasses like those worn by the Olsen Twins or Victoria Beckham. The other day, as I sat waiting for Kid to get out of school, I noticed some of the other parents in the lobby looking at me curiously (or not, I’m paranoid, but I BELIEVE they were looking at me  curiously, and that’s all that matters right?). Then I realized they probably thought it was really bizarre I was wearing huge dark glasses at 3:00 in the afternoon (which up here in the tundra is dusk) on an overcast day. I figured they probably think I’m high. Or maybe have a black eye. Or maybe I’m high AND I have a black eye.

Clearly Phrenology Fred doesn't get out much either. I had to hold the glasses up because his ears are flat and slippery.

Alas, I am not high, and luckily I do not have a black eye. I wear dark glasses all the time for two reasons: One, I am extremely light sensitive. Like vampires, I cannot bear the light of day. If I go out without my glasses I get massive headaches and my eyes water uncontrollably.  The eye watering thing happens all the time anyway, which is why I always have mascara smeared all over my face. I’m not trying to look like Tammy Faye Baker on purpose.  Two, I have the world’s worst dark circles under my eyes. No no, I do. Yours are nothing. Mine are worse. Trust me. I have been wearing under eye concealer since…5th grade. Why? Because if you have dark dark circles under your eyes, you constantly hear, “Wow, you look really tired.” or “Wow, are you sick” which translates to “Wow, you look like shit.” Anyhow, I wear huge dark glasses to cover them up, so I don’t have to deal with people commenting on them, and they do. Please don’t email me a million solutions. I know I could get my face bleached. I know it might be allergies, but honestly, it’s hereditary. Ask my mother, or more conveniently: Hey Ma, tell them about our eye bags in the  comments! Thanks.

I’ve encountered people at the  grocery store who have come right out and asked me, “Why are you wearing your sunglasses? Are you afraid someone will see you here?” Yes. I’m scared of the paparazzi. I simply cannot allow photos of me buying tampons to be snapped and published in People. Um, no. Grocery stores are really really bright. They give me headaches. They make my eyes water. This might also be from anxiety, which I experience a fair amount of, but mainly, it’s the brightness.

I have no excuses for the rest of my wardrobe though.

15 thoughts on “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night, and on Overcast Days, and in the Supermarket.

  1. I do the same thing for different reasons – A: I can stare at strangers and they won’t know plus I really don’t like looking strangers in the eye, and B: I believe it’s the major reason why I don’t have crow’s feet yet. I feel extremely weird and self-conscious when I go out without them. Social phobia rules!! 🙂

    1. Avoiding eye contact is an excellent side effect of wearing glasses all the time. I’m so glad that you and I are BFFs but don’t have to go anywhere or do anything, together. (Kidding) social phobias are awesome!

  2. OK – first of all, the fucking dark circles and photosensitivity is hereditary – I blame it on Hat and Hibear. Second, all you have to do is tell people that you prefer to be incognito. There are many more photos of you than me. I do the Indian trick by telling people that my spirit won’t allow photos or some shit like that. Keep spending money on awesome sunglasses – wear them all the time. I just spent over $200 on a pair of prescription ones…so I can wear them inside. Sorry for the genes – embrace them and spin a good story! 🙂

    1. Nice! DId Zsa Zsa give you a good deal? I don’t generally allow myself to have nice sunglasses, or nice things in general – I lose them, or sit on them. I like the $20 pairs from Target. I have about 6 pairs, they are all over my house and car, some are probably at your house. I blame HB’s side more than Hat’s Georgie is also super crazy light sensitive. I think we have a distant vampire in our genealogy.

  3. So… I’m knocking as hard as I can on wood right now butttttttt my eyes aren’t nearly as dark as you guys. Am I adopted ma? They are super light sensitive though. I used it as an excuse in high school to wear my shades in class but really I was just stoned 🙂

  4. I am on the sunglass train myself. I like to think of myself as the female version of Bono, not as talented but better looking. I have stopped giving a shit if people look at me in the grocery store with my sunglasses on. Most of the time I have my arms full of kid, diaper bag, purse, reusable grocery bags and more. No place for sunglasses except on my mug.

    1. I have always believed that when women give birth we should also grow another set of arms. Also, you are way cooler than Bono 😉

  5. I wear sunglasses all the time, including at night while driving. Shh, don’t tell the police, but when headlights hit me, it is like I am being blinded by the paparazzi.

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