Yoga Pants Ruined My Life

I am not a sweatpants kind of girl. In high school gym class, when I wasn’t skipping to smoke behind the tennis courts, I wore jeans until the teacher yelled at me and threatened to flunk me, and then I wore shorts.  Sweatpants in days of yore were so lame, with their drawstrings and tight, elastic ankles. Gross. Who wants to wear fuzzy jodhoppers? Not me. Also, the word “sweat” is in their name. And we all know that sweating is disgusting. Who wants to sweat in their pants? Not me, that’s for damn sure.

Then I grew up, and discovered that through the magic of yoga I could get some exercise and not get all gross. However, yoga in jeans is not that awesome and I live in Maine so yoga in shorts isn’t preferable either. I was going to have to get some yoga specific work

Yoga pants, invented by the devil.

out gear. So, in the early 2000s, yoga pants and I met for the first time.

I should have known the dangers when a pregnant friend told me she saved money on maternity clothes by wearing her yoga pants all the time. She was well into her 3rd trimester.

It was love at first wear. Stretchy, but not so stretchy I felt like I was one of those leggings wearing ladies. Thick enough to not show my underwear lines or my cellulite, and with a flattering flared leg, yoga pants were a level of comfort previously only known to the sweat pants people.  I started wearing yoga pants all the time. Not just when I was doing yoga. I would wear them to bed, and then just wear them all day. So, yes, I was wearing my pajamas all day. Sometimes I would do yoga in them. Usually not though.  Usually I sat around and dicked around on Myspace and googled things and wrote articles about how hard it is to be a writer. Yeah, pretty much what I do all day now, except now I dick around on Facebook and Twitter.

In 2005, I had Kid, and crossed a self-imposed line with my yoga pants. I wore them out into the world, grocery shopping and stuff. I also usually wore (and still wear,  that’s another post all together) a very long winter coat that hides what’s underneath. The out into the world line was one of those self-imposed restrictions that addicts often make up. You know like, “I don’t have a problem if I don’t drink before noon”. I had crossed that line. But I had an excuse! I had a small child! I didn’t have time for things like changing pants!

I started noticing things about myself, namely, that my regular pants didn’t really fit anymore. But, my yoga pants are the same size! Oh, the miracle of lycra. Since I first bought my yoga pants, you know, to work out in – I have gained about 30 lbs. And no, it’s not from the Kid. I lost all my baby weight pretty fast. This is new, fat ass lazy weight. See, when you wear yoga pants all the time, you lose all perception of how fat your ass is.

I finally realized I had a problem the other day when I was putting away my laundry. I am down to 3 ill-fitting pair of jeans, and about 7 pair of yoga pants.  It’s like a disease. They keep multiplying, and so do my belly rolls. I have since resolved to put my pants on every day. My real pants. Pants with no lycra and proper buttons and zippers and what not.

Yoga pants turned me into a much jigglier version of my former self. Do I blame my sedentary lifestyle, love of beer, and butter? Hell no. I blame the pants.

 

8 thoughts on “Yoga Pants Ruined My Life

  1. liz noonan

    GURL. SING it! Once I wore maternity pants, it was a quick jump to yoga pants. now i wear those suckers ALL the time. And ditto on the 30 lbs. Not pretty! To make it even worse? I now own jeggings, which are the more acceptable “dressier” version of yoga pants. As long as I cover my butt…my butt is covered, right?

    Reply
  2. mommyk8 Post author

    Jesus, Noonan. I live in fear of jeggings. They’re like secret yoga pants. Those and pajama jeans. Too much comfort!

    Reply
  3. Desiree

    Really, your YOGA pants? How about you inability to hold yourself accountable and the fact that you expect hard work to be done for you?

    Reply
  4. Lila

    Seriously, yoga pants are gross. If you want to get fit/increase your energy, maintain a healthy lifestyle, eat the right foods, and exercise — ideally at a gym.

    The other day I was at Starbucks where one woman after the other came in to order coffee wearing Yoga Pants. Honestly, I did not know where to put my eyes. One woman even leaned up against a chair in front of me — with Yoga Pants already defining the contours of her butt. As she leaned, the view I got was of her butt lifting and separating along with a look at her privates. I wasn’t looking, I just lifted my eyes to observe my surroundings and there it was.

    The woman was very nonchalant about it even though she appeared to everyone and sundry as nude from the waist down, only she wasn’t nude, she was wearing Yoga Pants.

    Look, comfort aside, some things should be kept private. Sexual preadtors notwithstanding, most people don’t want to see your privates in public. Are you yoga-wearers not aware of how you come across to other people? When I am in public as a woman, I, despite being modestly dressed, and hit on repeatedly by men who don’t know me. With porn and sexual obsessions so rampant in our society, why would you advertise yourself in that way? Even creeps don’t act on your provocation, they might take it out on another unsuspecting female.

    Yoga pants make you look shameless and gross, like a cheap woman who doesn’t value herself and is completely oblivious to the fact that she is exposing herself in public either because she is too dumb to know what she is doing or too sleazy to care.

    Good women simply don’t do this. Why can’t you be sexy and comfortable without resorting to cheap? if your answer is that you wear them because you don’t have time to put something else on, that is just sad…..Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry tells George that his wearing sweat pants all the time is a sign he has just given up on life, that he doesn’t care….and is advertising to others that he is lazy/indifferent/a loser.

    Women, have some self respect and put on a proper pair of pants. Yoga pants don’t look sexy. They make you look cheap, desperate, and disgusting. No one wants to see your privates on display in public. Is this concept too difficult to grasp. Women who can’t grasp this concept must be mentally off — another attribute you communicate by wearing these….

    Women who have class and standards don’t wear Yoga pants….Decent men aren’t attracted to women who do either…in fact, they dismiss you as sluts….and/or slovenly and they laugh at you behind your backs. You may think you are hiding your fat rolls, but you are fooling no one….The pants may keep your fat from shaking every which way, but it’s obvious you’re not in shape….Getting fatter and fatter because you are wearing Yoga Pants, which adjust to your new girth is just sad and reflects a lazy mindset — that of a woman who doesn’t respect herself and who is not in control of her life….

    Reply
    1. mommyk8 Post author

      Wow, you have a lot of strong negative feelings you feel the need to put out there! I’m wondering, have you ever heard of comedy or satire? Just checking. Thanks for taking the time (apparently a lot) to visit my blog! Please leave your blog URL so that I can visit it and share the love!

      Reply
  5. kristla007

    I think the person above is getting leggings confused with yoga pants. Leggings are not pants and should only be worn in public with a dress or tunic. Yoga pants, however, are totally appropriate for lounging, running errands, wearing for days straight if you work from home, etc. I went to a spin class last night and came home and put on yoga pants. At 6:30. It was glorious.

    Reply

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