I’ve written in the past about my colitis, but I’ve never written about the anxiety catch-22 I fall into whenever I get any illness. Because of my deep fear and anxiety around having another flare-up that would land me in the hospital or an illness that would possibly create a situation in which I have to take a prescription, possibly antibiotics, which can make colitis worse or even cause it in people that don’t have it, I have no ability to distinguish when to call the doctor anymore.
I have had colitis since about age 13, and often remain symptom-less. I manage it through diet, lifestyle and pro-biotics. However, sometimes symptoms arise, and because of anxiety, which is thought to be both a symptom and a result of colitis, I become paralyzed with fear. Is what I’m feeling a normal blip in the course of the disease? Is it the flu? Is it something completely different? I panic. This makes things worse. I get sicker. Which makes things worse. I google my symptoms. Which makes things worse.
Currently I am on day 3 of what I hope is a simple stomach flu and not a flare. My last incident ended up with me in the ER getting a diagnostic CT scan and a 17 pills per day regimen, which made things worse. That time it took 6 months to recover from the side effects of the drugs I was given, and after deeper investigation discovered wasn’t a flare after all. Because I am so afraid, I am both reluctant to call my doctor, yet do so at the drop of a hat. What if doing nothing makes it worse? What if doing nothing makes it worse?
I know there are people out there in tougher situations than me. People who have colitis more severely. I know people who aren’t stricken to bed when they are nauseous. People that don’t text their friends and family for advice on what to do, and then go to the doctor anyway. But I also know that there are a lot of people who deal with this same anxiety, the same fear that a bout of stomach upset is the harbinger of something much worse.
What am I going to do? Well, writing about it helps. I’m probably going back on my annoying diet for awhile. I’m going to try not to be so afraid all the time. And I’m going to get better.