Tag Archives: anxiety

Sometimes I’m Sick

I’ve written in the past about my colitis, but I’ve never written about the anxiety catch-22 I fall into whenever I get any illness. Because of my deep fear and anxiety around having another flare-up that would land me in the hospital or an illness that would possibly create a situation in which I have to take a prescription, possibly antibiotics, which can make colitis worse or even cause it in people that don’t have it, I have no ability to distinguish when to call the doctor anymore.

I have had colitis  since about age 13, and often remain symptom-less. I manage it through diet, lifestyle and pro-biotics. However, sometimes symptoms arise, and because of anxiety, which is thought to be both a symptom and a result of colitis, I become paralyzed with fear. Is what I’m feeling a normal blip in the course of the disease? Is it the flu? Is it something completely different?  I panic. This makes things worse. I get sicker. Which makes things worse. I google my symptoms. Which makes things worse.

Currently I am on day 3 of what I hope is a simple stomach flu and not a flare. My last incident ended up with me in the ER getting a diagnostic CT scan and a 17 pills per day regimen, which made things worse. That time it took 6 months to recover from the side effects of the drugs I was given, and after deeper investigation discovered wasn’t a flare after all.  Because I am so afraid, I am both reluctant to call my doctor, yet do so at the drop of a hat. What if doing nothing makes it worse? What if doing nothing makes it worse?

I know there are people out there in tougher situations than me. People who have colitis more severely. I know people who aren’t stricken to bed when they are nauseous. People that don’t text their friends and family for advice on what to do, and then go to the doctor anyway. But I also know that there are a lot of people who deal with this same anxiety, the same fear that a bout of stomach upset is the harbinger of something much worse.

What am I going to do? Well, writing about it helps. I’m probably going back on my annoying diet for awhile. I’m going to try not to be so afraid all the time. And I’m going to get better.

 

Put Your Seatbelts On.

I got a text from a friend this morning telling me measles has been confirmed in her town. She’s pregnant with her first and she’s scared. And I’m scared for her. She lives out of state, but I’m scared for me too. For this very reason, I’ve been trying to stay off FB, and limit what I see on Twitter. As the entirely preventable measles outbreak makes it’s way East, I’m afraid. I’m anxious. I live in one of the most undervaccinated counties in the country. This keeps me awake at night.

I’ve been plagued by panic attacks for most of my adult life. I’m only just now learning how to deal with them. When one becomes a parent, the worry about oneself transfers over onto worry about their children. What then, should I do, living in this unvaccinated territory with measles looming.? I already skip the playgroups at local libraries because I’m scared. Is that right? Is that fair to my kid? Not really. But last year whooping cough was rampant in our community, and I wasn’t going to take the risk. Yes, my kids have their shots, but nothing is 100% effective, we need herd immunity to protect everyone. I’m not far off from holing up for the winter and ordering our groceries from Amazon.

The only thing that’s given me any solace lately is my new theory. I call it the ‘seat belt theory’. I drive the kids all over the place without fear. Back and forth every day to school, ballet, violin, the store. As we all know, driving in cars is a very dangerous activity, but I don’t stay up every night worrying about the drunk driver or the texting teen. I put my kids in the car, buckle them up, and trust we’re going to be fine. I have to look at these diseases the same way. I’ve done all I can. They’ve had their vaccines. They’ve got their seat belts on. It’s the best I can do.