Ok you guys, this is fracking disgusting. If you are eating, or are planning on eating, you probably shouldn’t while you are reading this post. At the very least you are going to want to wash your hands, a lot, before you eat – actually probably you’ll be washing your hands a lot before you do anything for the rest of your life. I know I do now.
As a parent, you prepare yourself for various disgusting things. Things like, cleaning up poo, getting puked on, the ingestion of things like insects and dirt. Hell, I am even mentally prepared for things like lice. I was not, however prepared for the note I got from my daughter’s pre-school last week. Unfortunately, I threw away the original (I was afraid it was contaminated) but it went a little something like this:
A student in your child’s classroom has tested positive for pin worms and is being treated for them currently. Please view the following website for more information: http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/parasitic/pinworm.html . We have been working with the kids all year on proper handwashing and sanitation, and will continue to do so.
Hmmm. What the hell are pin worms? So, I went to that website listed above and…HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. Seriously. Apparently pin worms are these highly contagious little worms that live in your intestines…and they umm…well…they crawl out of your butt at night and lay eggs. What? What kind of horror show is this? Ye Gods. If you haven’t checked that link up there, you should. Check this out:
“People become infected by unknowingly ingesting microscopic pinworm eggs that can be found on contaminated hands and surfaces, such as:”
- bed linens
- clothing (especially underwear and pajamas)
- bathroom fixtures
- drinking glasses
- eating utensils
- kitchen counters
- desks or lunch tables at school
OMGOMGOMGOMG. OMG. So, according to this, potentially there are ass worm eggs covering everything in the world. I totally am going to order one of those suits that Walter White wears when he cooks meth on Breaking Bad (um also, dude – you can get Hazmat suits on Amazon! WTF?!) . I mean it. I wonder if they make meth cooking suits for kids.
Maybe this doesn’t freak you guys out as much as it does me. I mean Mike and I had the following conversation about it:
ME: “Sweet baby Jesus, did you read that link I sent you, about the ass worms?”
MIKE: “Yeah, they aren’t dangerous or anything.”
ME: “Are you crazy? We are talking about ASS WORMS”
MIKE: “Well, they aren’t really harmful, I mean they’re just annoying. It’s not like a tape worm or anything.”
ME: “I totally forgot about tape worms. I need to throw up now.”
Ugh. Sorry to gross you out, but this is totally a public service announcement. I’m only looking out for you guys. Also, “Wash your hands or you’ll get ass worms” is much more convincing than “Wash your hands or you’ll get sick.” Though, you probably shouldn’t say “ass worms” around your kids, they’ll just repeat it school. You should probably just say “Butt worms”. Trust me, your kids are going to be OCD hand washers in no time.
So yeah, I’m outta here. I need to go wash my hands. Again.