You’re an asshole, but so am I.
I am extraordinarily upset about the oil spill. If you’re not a total dill hole, you probably are too. A few days ago my brother in-law sent me the live feed of the pipe spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico and it made me cry. Although, I also just watched the season finale of Project Runway for the third time and cried at the end when Seth Aaron won. My point? It’s pretty easy to make me cry, and also – I like crap TV. Anyway, If you are interested in watching the spill, news etc. about it, Google put up this site: http://www.google.com/crisisresponse/oilspill/ – for all your destruction viewing needs.
I’ve been watching all the finger pointing, the government at BP, BP at Haliburton (who is the most evil company in the world by the way. Actually, I take that back, they’re tied with Monsanto for evilness. I’m pretty sure that both companies have headquarters in hollowed out volcanoes.) Halliburton at Transocean, the American People at all of them. Well you know who I blame? You. That’s right. You’re the asshole that got us into this mess. I am too. You know why? Because you and I still live the good life gobbling up oil at a ridiculously alarming rate throwing caution to the wind. It’s because of our gas guzzling ways that increasingly risky operations such as off shore drilling need to happen in the first place. So, the pipe is still pumping down there in the Gulf, and no one can stop it. I think that part of the ocean is basically permanently ruined. That’s right. Because of our selfish, asshole ways, the god damned ocean is RUINED.
Sorry. I need to organize this rant a little bit, or make it less ranty. Let’s move on to my point. In order to save the world I am going to blog about ways you can be less of an asshole aka use less oil. If we all use just a bit less, it will make a huge difference. I’m sorry, did that last part make you throw up a little bit? Yeah it’s a little hippy dippy. I’ll just stick with saying that I will teach you to be less of an asshole. I work really hard at reducing the amount of oil I use, so already I’m less of an asshole than you are. That’s why I’m uniquely qualified for this job.
Phase ONE:
STOP DRIVING YOUR GOD-DAMNED CAR SO MUCH.
I don’t want to hear about how there’s no way you can reduce how much you drive. I live in a really rural area where the nearest store is about 10 miles from my house, and yes I have to drive everywhere. However, I try really hard to reduce the amount of gas I consume by using common sense. Oh, and I also try to not use my car at least one day per week. Ok, so here’s how you drive less:
- Get off your ass and walk. Biking is also acceptable. It’s like going to the gym, but cheaper! Look at that, you’re going to be thin, AND be less of an asshole. You’re totally going to get laid.
- If you are going out somewhere think about all the stuff you can do while out. Meaning, stop making so many trips. Try to run multiple errands at once. I know this sounds stupid, but I know a lot of people who make a zillion trips when everything could be accomplished in one.
- Make lists! Seriously, this is not hard. BEFORE you go to the store, make a list of what you need. Again, common sense right? You’re all, “that’s dumb.” Ok, riddle me this, smart-ass – how many times have you gone to grocery shopping and come home only to realize you forgot milk, or toilet paper or something else that you had to get back in your car and go get? See? You’re an asshole. Also, call your spouse, roommate, life partner, kids, whoever you live with before you go and ask them what they need. Common sense, people.
- Can you combine errands etc.with your neighbors? This is one I’m working on with my people. I have two good friends who live very close by and for a couple of years we have been saying “let’s text each other when we go to the store to see if we could/should go together, or if anyone needs anything.” We are terrible at it. But, as Blog as my witness I’m going to try harder. It makes me less of an asshole, AND I will be able to see my friends more. Win Win.Um, I think some people call this “carpooling”.
- If you live somewhere with public transportation – USE IT. I envy you guys. I would love love love to have a train near me that I could ride around on but I don’t. Get on the subway, the bus, the train, whatever. I know you’re scared. What if someone smelly sits next to you? What if a crazy dude tries to talk to you? Just put your headphones on or read a book. And stop being such a snob about smelliness. It’s not catching.
I know there are probably more, but this blog is really long. Please put your suggestions for driving less in the comments. Oh, I totally still love you, even if you are an asshole.