Category Archives: Narcissism

Yoga Pants Ruined My Life

I am not a sweatpants kind of girl. In high school gym class, when I wasn’t skipping to smoke behind the tennis courts, I wore jeans until the teacher yelled at me and threatened to flunk me, and then I wore shorts.  Sweatpants in days of yore were so lame, with their drawstrings and tight, elastic ankles. Gross. Who wants to wear fuzzy jodhoppers? Not me. Also, the word “sweat” is in their name. And we all know that sweating is disgusting. Who wants to sweat in their pants? Not me, that’s for damn sure.

Then I grew up, and discovered that through the magic of yoga I could get some exercise and not get all gross. However, yoga in jeans is not that awesome and I live in Maine so yoga in shorts isn’t preferable either. I was going to have to get some yoga specific work

Yoga pants, invented by the devil.

out gear. So, in the early 2000s, yoga pants and I met for the first time.

I should have known the dangers when a pregnant friend told me she saved money on maternity clothes by wearing her yoga pants all the time. She was well into her 3rd trimester.

It was love at first wear. Stretchy, but not so stretchy I felt like I was one of those leggings wearing ladies. Thick enough to not show my underwear lines or my cellulite, and with a flattering flared leg, yoga pants were a level of comfort previously only known to the sweat pants people.  I started wearing yoga pants all the time. Not just when I was doing yoga. I would wear them to bed, and then just wear them all day. So, yes, I was wearing my pajamas all day. Sometimes I would do yoga in them. Usually not though.  Usually I sat around and dicked around on Myspace and googled things and wrote articles about how hard it is to be a writer. Yeah, pretty much what I do all day now, except now I dick around on Facebook and Twitter.

In 2005, I had Kid, and crossed a self-imposed line with my yoga pants. I wore them out into the world, grocery shopping and stuff. I also usually wore (and still wear,  that’s another post all together) a very long winter coat that hides what’s underneath. The out into the world line was one of those self-imposed restrictions that addicts often make up. You know like, “I don’t have a problem if I don’t drink before noon”. I had crossed that line. But I had an excuse! I had a small child! I didn’t have time for things like changing pants!

I started noticing things about myself, namely, that my regular pants didn’t really fit anymore. But, my yoga pants are the same size! Oh, the miracle of lycra. Since I first bought my yoga pants, you know, to work out in – I have gained about 30 lbs. And no, it’s not from the Kid. I lost all my baby weight pretty fast. This is new, fat ass lazy weight. See, when you wear yoga pants all the time, you lose all perception of how fat your ass is.

I finally realized I had a problem the other day when I was putting away my laundry. I am down to 3 ill-fitting pair of jeans, and about 7 pair of yoga pants.  It’s like a disease. They keep multiplying, and so do my belly rolls. I have since resolved to put my pants on every day. My real pants. Pants with no lycra and proper buttons and zippers and what not.

Yoga pants turned me into a much jigglier version of my former self. Do I blame my sedentary lifestyle, love of beer, and butter? Hell no. I blame the pants.

 

I’m Normal AND Stylish!

Weird. I know my goal was only one post a week, but now that I’m in the habit of blogging regularly, I feel all funky not posting for a few days.

Oh blogging. It’s so weird. The more you do it, the more you love it. Also, people read it. I forget that. I forget that this isn’t just stuck here in my computer. I post them and forget about it. Sometimes people comment, and sometimes not. What happens usually is someone says to me, “Hey,  I really like your  blog. That  thing with your cat was crazy!”when I’m at the grocery store.  In my head, I’m all, “What? How did they know that? Weird.” but then I realize, OH hey, that shit is on the internet, anyone can read it. Duhhhh.

I used to think blogging is just an exercise in extreme narcissim. But since my entire generation and all subsequent ones think we’re the best shit ever, and that everyone is on the edge of their seats to see what we are doing and thinking at all times, narcissim isn’t even a disorder anymore. That’s right, we’re so up our own asses, that narcissim is now the norm.

That’s right, I’m stylish. 
Blogging is really just shouting out into the void. “HEY! I’M HERE! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” I get that. And also? It feels real nice when people do pay attention to me. I like it. I like it a lot. I like it when people I know say, “Your blog is great.” and even better, is when strangers do it. That’s right, bitches – STRANGERS are reading my blog now. People who don’t do it because they are related to me or know me. They read it because  they like it. One such person is Brandi over at DysfunctionalSuperMom  . She likes what I’m doing over here so much, she gave me a little shout out on her  blog, AND  gave me an award.  Bloggers do this for each other. They help each other out by giving each other fun awards and telling their peeps to visit other peeps. It’s how we find good stuff to read. Duh. Anyhow, this award comes with conditions, as any prize does. So, here they are: 
  1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award – Thanks Brandi! She’s a peach, go read her blog. 
  2. Share 7 things about yourself…Fiiinnneee….I’ll post them below.
  3. Award 15 *ahem* 13 recently discovered great bloggers…Will do. Most of them are going to use naughty language. But since you are reading this, you probably don’t give a shit. 
  4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award! Ok! 
Ok, 7 things about me:
1. I refer to both my dog and Kid as sweet girl. However, I’m going to stop after watching Black Swan.
2. I fucking HATE licorice. 
3. The theory that the organizational state of your desk reflects the organizational state of your mind scares the bejesus out of me. 
4. If you touch my bellybutton, I will probably punch you in the face. Also, why are you trying to touch my bellybutton? Sicko.
5. I talk to my sister everyday. She’s awesome. I bet you wish you could talk to her everyday, but I’m not putting her number here. Although, it might be hilarious..OK, no no just kidding. 
6.I  have never been downhill skiing. Don’t plan to either.
7. I’m weirdly addicted to buying and subscribing to magazines, even though I can read them online and they clutter up my house. Vanity Fair, Wired, Cooking Light, Martha  Stewart – SURE WHY NOT? In related news – does anyone want a huge pile of magazines? 

Ok 13 Bloggers: 
Go check out those blogs, very talented funny writers. All of them. We’re out here, now tell us we’re awesome.  I’m going to put this list on my sidebar as well, which I was planning on doing anyway as part of blog re-vamp 2011.