Category Archives: I’m awesome.

Why I’m a Hypocrite, or Things I Used to Hate Because I Didn’t Know How Awesome They Are.

I change my mind a lot. Since I have no problem whatsoever voicing my opinion loudly, about pretty much everything, over the course of my life I have shot my mouth off about various things that are, “The dumbest things I’ve ever seen, and I hate them.only to change my mind about it later.  Some people would call this being hypocritical, but I choose to just look at it as being grown up enough to change my mind about things and admit when I’m wrong.

1. Uggs. Ok, my conversion on this one is going to shock some of you. For YEARS I have gone on and on about how much I fucking hate Uggs. Mostly because they are extraordinarily hideous. Then, last year I bought some Ulus which are sort of Uggish, suede outside, shearling inside, but they don’t have that same Ugg look. Hmm. My resolve started to slide. Then I ripped a hole in those and my in-laws bought me a really really nice pair of LL Bean Ugg

Sweet Jesus, they're ugly.

Sweet Jesus, they're ugly.

knockoffs. You guys. I get it now. Ok? I was wrong. So, so wrong. First off, they weigh NOTHING. Secondly, they are extremely warm and keep my feet extremely dry.  These things are key, since we have approximately 90 feet of snow.  I’m wearing them right now. And when I wear them out, I’m going to get another pair. I’m a convert.

2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer and True Blood (I’m just putting these both together because I don’t want to have two entries about vampire TV shows.) Those of you that know me in real life, know I’m insane for Buffy. Own all the seasons, have a cast autograph, have books about the show – complete episode guides etc. But, back in the day? When it was on TV? I made fun of that show so, so bad. I totally was a huge bitch to this woman I used to work with who was in love with it. I was all, “What is your deal? That is the dumbest show EVER!” Mostly, because my entire opinion of the show was based on the extremely horrible movie. Then, one fateful day, I was sick and there was a Buffy marathon on FX and I was too lazy to change the channel. The first ep I saw was the Thanksgiving one (season 4) where Spike is tied to a chair and there’s a huge bear loose in Gile’s house. Spike says, “It’s a Bear! Make it go away!” That was it. Sold.

That's right, I'm team Spike. Suck it, Angel.

Pretty much the same thing was true with True Blood. Thought it sounded dumb because hey, there is only room for one awesome vampire show in my heart, and it was occupied by Buffy. Then everything else we watched ended so we decided to give it a shot. Wow. Just like with children, apparently there is room in my heart for more than one vampire show. I also listened to all the Sookie Stackhouse audiobooks this summer – I highly, highly recommend them. Except for the first one, they are not like the show much at all. But still very good.

3. Twitter. What is this stupid thing that everyone’s doing that is just like Facebook updates but shorter? It’s public? Anyone can follow you? This makes no sense to me. I hate it. Then I got the hang of it. Now, yeah. Addicted.

4. Zumba. Well, or group exercise/going to the gym at all. In fact, one of the reasons I justified the expense of our family purchasing a Kinect for Xmas (which I do not regret) was that I could use it to work out and it’s so much cheaper than the gym. Then a local gym offered 3 free Zumba classes. Though the ads I’d seen for Zumba on TV made it look like the dumbest thing in the world, I decided to suck it up and give it a shot. Holy crap. It’s so much fun. Oh, do you not know what Zumba is? It’s like um, aerobic latin dance, sounds horrible, right? Now I go 3x a week, and I also am doing Body Pump 2x per week. There really is something about exercise classes. I think it’s the energy level. It’s very different than a Jillian Michaels avatar yelling at me to “Push it!”

5. Historical Fiction. Oh man. I HATE historical fiction. I’m a suspense/horror/mystery kind of girl. Then I bought a copy of The Other Boleyn Girl to give as a gift. Then I never gave it away. Then I read it. Woah. I loved it. It was super good. I am now reading the sequel, and probably will read more. I even started watching the Tudors (which by the way, is extremely sexy and horribly historically inaccurate but, who cares?)

See why I'm embarrassed? That bodice is totally getting ripped.

I also change my mind about things that aren’t totally shallow, but this isn’t that kind of post.

The Easy Bake Trials….The Mix is Poo

In order to get Kid to get rid of a small, plastic kitchen that she no longer uses anymore, I bribed her with an Easy Bake Oven. It should be known, that I have wanted an Easy Bake Oven for MONTHS. At Christmas I checked them out, but it said they were for kids 8 and up. Sometimes, believe it or not, I follow the rules. I figured there must be some reason that even though USE WITH ADULT SUPERVISION ONLY was plastered all over the box, there must be some reason why it would be unsafe for my 5 year old. Then I read Fadra’s blog, and she bought her 4 year old son one. I was all, “Holla! If she’s gonna, I’m gonna!”

At first, when I suggested the Easy Bake Oven, Kid was leery. Then I should her the commercial for it .

Kid: “You mean I can bake my own things by myself?”

Me: “With Adult Supervision!”

Kid”?”

Me: “Mommy and Daddy have to help you.”

Kid: “Will you go get me one right now?”

Me: “YEEEESSSSSS!!!!!”

Yup, the Easy Bake is just as you remembered. A plastic box with a 100W lightbulb  that cooks horrible packaged cake mix in tiny little pans. (Apparently a lot of countries are banning incandescent lightbulbs. Haven’t they even thought about what that’s going to do to the Easy Bake Oven industry? In related news, I have started hoarding 100W bulbs.)

OOOOH! What wonders will emerge from the magic box?

Kid immediately whipped up a cake using the packaged cake mix and frosting that came with the box. She was really,really proud. The cake was really,really horrible – by no fault of my darling daughter! Here’s the ingredient list of Easy Bake Oven Cake Mix: Ok, I couldn’t find it anywhere on-line, let me know if you can find the official list. I will tell you that it contains: Hydrogenated Oil, Artificial Color, and Artificial Flavoring, which is a lot to pack into 1/4 of a cup of cake. I mean I know I’m a food snob, but honestly this shit gave me chemical burns when I tasted it. Also? It costs about $6.00 for a 3 pack of this junk. Keep in mind each pkg contains 1/4 of a cup of mix. So….$6.00 for 3/4 of a cup of dog shit. Sign me up!

I fled to the internet, looked up recipes and found a number of good sites with make your own Easy Bake Oven mix recipes. So, long story way too long – You have got to make your own mix, yo. It’s way better for your family AND it’s going to save you about 9 million dollars. Also, you pretty much will never run out, since you have all the ingredients in your own pantry.

Sugar Flour Etc

Easy Bake would probably charge you $300 for these ingredients.

In about 10 minutes I made 10 servings of biscuit mix and 10 of white cake mix. I can’t tell you how much it cost, but I can tell you it was a hell of a lot less  than $6.00 per 3/4 cup.

White Cake Mix. Modified from Budget 101.(Who has a TON of Easy Bake Recipes)

1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon lemon-flavored unsweetened Kool-Aid No! The point is no crap!
1/3 cup vegetable shortening – I use Spectrum Organics Vegetable Shortening, because through some process of dark magics (I assume) they have created a Crisco like substance that is not hydrogenated. I suppose I could look it up and tell you how they do it, but let’s just pretend it’s wizardry. Anyhow, I love it.

I skipped the Kool-Aid, if you want a lemony cake, just substitue a Tsp. of lemon juice for a Tsp. of water when you make your cake. Theoretically. I haven’t tried this. But I’m guessing it would work. I’ll try it and get back to you.

Yeah, so you mix everything up in a bowl. Make sure the shortening is incorporated well. You don’t want clumps. It should look like pancake mix, in that it’s just a little bit crummier than flour. I hope you’ve made pancakes and have a clue what I’m talking about.

See how that's a little bigger crumb than flour? Both the cake and biscuit mix should look like this. Also,I don't remember which one this is.

The instructions say to put the mixes into individual packages but, really? I don’t have time to measure out 20 1/4 bags of mix. I just put them in ziplocs and wrote the instructions on the front:

Bag of Biscuit Mix

Savings? About $1M. If you factor in doctor fees from chemical burns to the tongue.

We used the biscuit mix the other day for a danish (more on that later) and it was gooood! I am all about getting kids in the kitchen, teaching them about food and cooking, it hits on all the major points. An Easy Bake Oven is a fantastic way to do this, IF you also teach them that good food doesn’t come from a mix. Kid was delighted that we can “make our own mix, any way we want.” The sense of pride and accomplishment she had after cooking that tiny cake in a box with a light bulb made me cry a single tear and write a haiku about love. Ok, no. But it was pretty goddamned awesome.

Get an Easy Bake, make some stuff. It’s fun. Oh, and this is going to be a regular feature. Next up: Sort of gross pizza!

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night, and on Overcast Days, and in the Supermarket.

If you have the luck of seeing me out and about, I am probably wearing sunglasses. Not just any sunglasses but huge, monster sunglasses like those worn by the Olsen Twins or Victoria Beckham. The other day, as I sat waiting for Kid to get out of school, I noticed some of the other parents in the lobby looking at me curiously (or not, I’m paranoid, but I BELIEVE they were looking at me  curiously, and that’s all that matters right?). Then I realized they probably thought it was really bizarre I was wearing huge dark glasses at 3:00 in the afternoon (which up here in the tundra is dusk) on an overcast day. I figured they probably think I’m high. Or maybe have a black eye. Or maybe I’m high AND I have a black eye.

Clearly Phrenology Fred doesn't get out much either. I had to hold the glasses up because his ears are flat and slippery.

Alas, I am not high, and luckily I do not have a black eye. I wear dark glasses all the time for two reasons: One, I am extremely light sensitive. Like vampires, I cannot bear the light of day. If I go out without my glasses I get massive headaches and my eyes water uncontrollably.  The eye watering thing happens all the time anyway, which is why I always have mascara smeared all over my face. I’m not trying to look like Tammy Faye Baker on purpose.  Two, I have the world’s worst dark circles under my eyes. No no, I do. Yours are nothing. Mine are worse. Trust me. I have been wearing under eye concealer since…5th grade. Why? Because if you have dark dark circles under your eyes, you constantly hear, “Wow, you look really tired.” or “Wow, are you sick” which translates to “Wow, you look like shit.” Anyhow, I wear huge dark glasses to cover them up, so I don’t have to deal with people commenting on them, and they do. Please don’t email me a million solutions. I know I could get my face bleached. I know it might be allergies, but honestly, it’s hereditary. Ask my mother, or more conveniently: Hey Ma, tell them about our eye bags in the  comments! Thanks.

I’ve encountered people at the  grocery store who have come right out and asked me, “Why are you wearing your sunglasses? Are you afraid someone will see you here?” Yes. I’m scared of the paparazzi. I simply cannot allow photos of me buying tampons to be snapped and published in People. Um, no. Grocery stores are really really bright. They give me headaches. They make my eyes water. This might also be from anxiety, which I experience a fair amount of, but mainly, it’s the brightness.

I have no excuses for the rest of my wardrobe though.

Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

*Since this post contains actual dialogue between my mother and I, it contains about 200% more swearing than usual. You’ve been warned.*

I swear a lot. For awhile, when Kid was little, I tried really hard to stop. I know I know, “there is no try, only do.” But, I just can’t stop. I’ve just accepted it, taught Kid that I use terrible Mommy words and am very naughty for doing so, and then give her quarters when I swear. Oh also, she makes me say this, “I’m very sorry I used the word X, it’s inappropriate and I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings.” I usually have to say this to my mom at least 4 times in the course of a phone call.

Mom and Me, May 1978. Aren't we cute?

Anyhow, since my mom has found my blog, and figured out comments, I figured I better get this Klog out of the cooker before she spoils it 😉 I have actually had people ask me, “Do you kiss your Mother with that mouth?” Well, the answer is yes, and no. No, because my mother has a strict no touching policy (yeah that’s probably a blog post some other time). Yes, because my mother also swears like a pirate. To better illustrate the linguistic stylings of my mom and I, here, for your enjoyment, is a reenactment of an actual conversation I had with my mom the other day. (For you crazy mommy trolls, no Kid was not in the car.)

Me: Did I tell you what happened to me at the fucking grocery store the other day?

Mom: Hannaford?

Me: Yup.

Mom: I fucking hate Hannaford.

Me: Me too. So anyway, I had to get some chicken, which I hate buying there because their meat is fucking gross and I’ve had to return it like 100 times, but I was busy.

Mom: No shit.

Me: Anyway, I had one of those fucking carts with a plastic car for kids to sit in attached at one end, like a mac truck.

Mom: I fucking hate those.

Me: Me too! So, I had to put my shopping bags on the bottom underneath the cart, and the fucking chicken leaked and got all over my fucking bags.

Mom: That’s fucking gross! What did you do?

Me: Welll, I put it on the counter and told the cashier, who was like 12, that it leaked and she goes, “Oh, do you want me to put it in a plastic bag?” And I was like, “No fucking way! I want you to throw it away. Also, I have chicken juice all over my hands.”

Mom: SALMONELLA

Me: I know right? Oh and I forgot to tell you, Mrs. X and Mrs. Y (two ladies who were the bane of our existences while I was in school) were in the next lane, and I had all these people backing up behind me and it was a huge scene.

Mom: Hahahahahhahaha! Only at fucking Hannaford!

Me: So, I say to the girl, “Hey I have chicken juice all over my hands, I need to clean them off before I can unload my groceries.” Guess what she does?

Mom: Gives you a fucking squirt of Purell?

Me: Oh, I wish. She hands me a fucking roll of paper towels and some fucking windex.

Mom: No.

Me: Yes. I shit you not. I squirted half a gallon of windex on my hands and then used her super crappy paper towels, you know the ones that are only one step above cardboard? My hands are still all dry and fucked up, like two days later.

Mom: What did you do with your  bags?

Me: I put them in a plastic  bag. They’re in my trunk. Do you think I should wash them?

Mom: No, throw that shit away. They are fucking covered with Salmonella.

Annnnd Scene.

As you can see, my mom is fucking awesome. You kids be nice to her in the comments.

It’s hawrd.

Where have I been? Nah. I’m not going to write one of those where have I been sorry it’s been solongblahblabhablah posts. Instead I’m just going to say: PC meltdown, new school, tiny puppy. Luckily two of those things are awesome.  I guess the first one is too because I now have a suhweet Macbook. Holla!

Here’s a random list of cool things I’m up to, and one annoying thing at the end:

For those of you who know me, have read some of my old blogs from the times of yore, you may be interested to know (or not) that I sent Kid to public school. I had debated homeschooling off and on, but here’s the thing: Kid loves other kids. Kid is very social. Also, we have one of the best schools in the state. Seriously, it’s in the top ten. I’d tell you to look it up, but then I’d have to tell you where I live, and – nope! Anyhow, best decision EVER. She loves it. It’s amazing. And yes, I’ve signed up to do all kinds of cool mom things like being on the PTC (which is really the PTA but C stands for Committee, I don’t know why they changed it.) and volunteering one day a week in her classroom (which I’ll blog more about later). So, we are happy, tired, and busy family.

Number 2 thing – I think we have finally reached a decision regarding having more kids…..the answer is…No thanks! I’ll blog more about that later too. This too is something I’ve been going back and forth about for a long time.

Number 3 thing – working hard on my novel that got eaten by PC destruction. Hope to have draft one done by Xmas. I know, right?!

Number 4- Weird health stuff, maybe will blog about maybe won’t. But probably will blog about how it’s forcing me to be basically on the South Beach Diet, which is probably making a bunch of you all annoyed and eyerolly. What if instead I called it the “AMA recommended eating plan for optimum health”. Which it pretty much is. (More on that later) See! Who’s rolling eyes now?

Number 5 – I got the cutest puppy in the world. I mean it. She’s endlessly entertaining.

Number 6- Working on a total blog/site redesign that will point to an actual web address and not go through blogger. I’m using iweb right now, but might switch over to wordpress.  I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’m slow! I’m learning new things! I’m trying to write stuff! And parent! And clean!

and finally: Number 7 – A person (remember the one I said that hates me in a previous post?) is totally reading this right now. It’s endlessly annoying. I considered blocking her from reading my blog, but that would involve doing weird back end stuff like blocking a specific ISP which would only work if she only used computers from the same location, blah blah blah. Essentially, it’d be a giant pain in the ass. If you’re that sad and bored that you feel the need to check up on all the awesomeness I have to say, go for it!

Thanks for reading this half-assed blog post that is more of a wrap up and preview rolled into one. Y’all are the bees knees.