Category Archives: I’m awesome.

Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

*Since this post contains actual dialogue between my mother and I, it contains about 200% more swearing than usual. You’ve been warned.*

I swear a lot. For awhile, when Kid was little, I tried really hard to stop. I know I know, “there is no try, only do.” But, I just can’t stop. I’ve just accepted it, taught Kid that I use terrible Mommy words and am very naughty for doing so, and then give her quarters when I swear. Oh also, she makes me say this, “I’m very sorry I used the word X, it’s inappropriate and I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings.” I usually have to say this to my mom at least 4 times in the course of a phone call.

Mom and Me, May 1978. Aren't we cute?

Anyhow, since my mom has found my blog, and figured out comments, I figured I better get this Klog out of the cooker before she spoils it 😉 I have actually had people ask me, “Do you kiss your Mother with that mouth?” Well, the answer is yes, and no. No, because my mother has a strict no touching policy (yeah that’s probably a blog post some other time). Yes, because my mother also swears like a pirate. To better illustrate the linguistic stylings of my mom and I, here, for your enjoyment, is a reenactment of an actual conversation I had with my mom the other day. (For you crazy mommy trolls, no Kid was not in the car.)

Me: Did I tell you what happened to me at the fucking grocery store the other day?

Mom: Hannaford?

Me: Yup.

Mom: I fucking hate Hannaford.

Me: Me too. So anyway, I had to get some chicken, which I hate buying there because their meat is fucking gross and I’ve had to return it like 100 times, but I was busy.

Mom: No shit.

Me: Anyway, I had one of those fucking carts with a plastic car for kids to sit in attached at one end, like a mac truck.

Mom: I fucking hate those.

Me: Me too! So, I had to put my shopping bags on the bottom underneath the cart, and the fucking chicken leaked and got all over my fucking bags.

Mom: That’s fucking gross! What did you do?

Me: Welll, I put it on the counter and told the cashier, who was like 12, that it leaked and she goes, “Oh, do you want me to put it in a plastic bag?” And I was like, “No fucking way! I want you to throw it away. Also, I have chicken juice all over my hands.”

Mom: SALMONELLA

Me: I know right? Oh and I forgot to tell you, Mrs. X and Mrs. Y (two ladies who were the bane of our existences while I was in school) were in the next lane, and I had all these people backing up behind me and it was a huge scene.

Mom: Hahahahahhahaha! Only at fucking Hannaford!

Me: So, I say to the girl, “Hey I have chicken juice all over my hands, I need to clean them off before I can unload my groceries.” Guess what she does?

Mom: Gives you a fucking squirt of Purell?

Me: Oh, I wish. She hands me a fucking roll of paper towels and some fucking windex.

Mom: No.

Me: Yes. I shit you not. I squirted half a gallon of windex on my hands and then used her super crappy paper towels, you know the ones that are only one step above cardboard? My hands are still all dry and fucked up, like two days later.

Mom: What did you do with your  bags?

Me: I put them in a plastic  bag. They’re in my trunk. Do you think I should wash them?

Mom: No, throw that shit away. They are fucking covered with Salmonella.

Annnnd Scene.

As you can see, my mom is fucking awesome. You kids be nice to her in the comments.

It’s hawrd.

Where have I been? Nah. I’m not going to write one of those where have I been sorry it’s been solongblahblabhablah posts. Instead I’m just going to say: PC meltdown, new school, tiny puppy. Luckily two of those things are awesome.  I guess the first one is too because I now have a suhweet Macbook. Holla!

Here’s a random list of cool things I’m up to, and one annoying thing at the end:

For those of you who know me, have read some of my old blogs from the times of yore, you may be interested to know (or not) that I sent Kid to public school. I had debated homeschooling off and on, but here’s the thing: Kid loves other kids. Kid is very social. Also, we have one of the best schools in the state. Seriously, it’s in the top ten. I’d tell you to look it up, but then I’d have to tell you where I live, and – nope! Anyhow, best decision EVER. She loves it. It’s amazing. And yes, I’ve signed up to do all kinds of cool mom things like being on the PTC (which is really the PTA but C stands for Committee, I don’t know why they changed it.) and volunteering one day a week in her classroom (which I’ll blog more about later). So, we are happy, tired, and busy family.

Number 2 thing – I think we have finally reached a decision regarding having more kids…..the answer is…No thanks! I’ll blog more about that later too. This too is something I’ve been going back and forth about for a long time.

Number 3 thing – working hard on my novel that got eaten by PC destruction. Hope to have draft one done by Xmas. I know, right?!

Number 4- Weird health stuff, maybe will blog about maybe won’t. But probably will blog about how it’s forcing me to be basically on the South Beach Diet, which is probably making a bunch of you all annoyed and eyerolly. What if instead I called it the “AMA recommended eating plan for optimum health”. Which it pretty much is. (More on that later) See! Who’s rolling eyes now?

Number 5 – I got the cutest puppy in the world. I mean it. She’s endlessly entertaining.

Number 6- Working on a total blog/site redesign that will point to an actual web address and not go through blogger. I’m using iweb right now, but might switch over to wordpress.  I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’m slow! I’m learning new things! I’m trying to write stuff! And parent! And clean!

and finally: Number 7 – A person (remember the one I said that hates me in a previous post?) is totally reading this right now. It’s endlessly annoying. I considered blocking her from reading my blog, but that would involve doing weird back end stuff like blocking a specific ISP which would only work if she only used computers from the same location, blah blah blah. Essentially, it’d be a giant pain in the ass. If you’re that sad and bored that you feel the need to check up on all the awesomeness I have to say, go for it!

Thanks for reading this half-assed blog post that is more of a wrap up and preview rolled into one. Y’all are the bees knees.