Category Archives: gross

Goals 2012, The Shocking Truth

Yay! I figure out how to post a spreadsheet. You can find all of my goals for this year under the tab up there labeled…you guessed it…2012 Unreasonable Goals. Or you can just click that link if you’re super lazy.

I’m way too bored with this goal setting thing already to go through each one and explain it. Hence the spreadsheet. Also? Spreadsheets are cool. Also? It updates automagically when I enter in new data on my end for easier stalking on your part.  Did you check it out yet? Go check it out.

Back? Pretty boring right? Oh wait. Did you see #23? Were you shocked? Did you not check out my goals? Fine. I’ll just tell you what it is. It’s this: Quit Smoking. I KNOW. I KNOW. It’s fucking gross. Wait, haven’t you heard me nag my husband incessantly to quit smoking? What a hypocrite I am! Didn’t I do a blog post about this very thing a few years ago? I did! So, what’s my problem? I don’t know.

Or anywhere, because it's nasty.

For years my line has been: Well, I don’t really smoke. I can go for days and days and even months without smoking, but then I end up picking it up again here and there. Maybe one or two a week. A pack lasts me around a month. That’s not so bad, right? Ugh, yes it is. It’s totally gross and irresponsible. Plus, it does not help me in my sanctimonious nagging. For the record, Kid doesn’t see me smoke. I always hide under the cover of darkness. I guess that’s something.

Though these are unreasonable goals, I am not under the illusion that I am not going to smoke any cigarettes this year. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m a damn addict. Cut me some slack. What I will do is keep track of how many smokes I have all year. Even partial cigs. What I want to do is keep it under 12. For the year. I will consider that a success. If I don’t make it you can all rain judgement and insults down upon me next year. Sound fun? Nothing is more motivating than public humiliation.

You’ll see on the graph that I entered the amount for Quit Smoking at -12. Ideally, I’d like to smoke less than that. And you all should know, I haven’t had a cigarette since December 30th. So, that’s pretty awesome. Though, like I said, I can go for months. I’m a strange, strange bird.

We’ll talk about more of my goals tomorrow. I need to go spend the day hanging my head in shame.

Your Baby Is Not Flirting With Me.

A few weeks ago we had a super fun family day out with another couple and their lovely daughter. During our lovely day out we all went and got pizza at a local restaurant. While we were there my lovely daughter (age 4) and other couple’s lovely daughter (age 2) noticed a baby at a nearby table. I’d say this baby was around 4 months. I could be wrong, it’s hard telling how old a baby is for real without asking them for their ID, they all kinda look the same age after they can sit up. So, anyway, this baby who was a boy, was really excited to see older kids. That’s what babies do. They like other kids, especially older ones. Our friend’s lovely daughter (2) was really excited to see the baby. She went over to hang out with him. It was all very cute. Until, the baby’s mom said “Oh, he’s such a flirt. He likes you, he’s flirting with you.” 

    If this was a movie, right now you would hear that sound of a needle being pulled across a record. You know “screeewhuummpsshrrehhh”. That’s what happened in my head. There are few things that touch my yuck button harder than a parent implying that their baby, toddler, preschooler, etc., is flirting. No lady, your baby is not flirting. He is not a ladies man. He just likes other kids. If our friend’s lovely daughter (2) was our friend’s lovely son, would she have said that? Oh hell no! (Although if I have another kid I might totally start inferring that my child is flirting with same sex children just to see the awesome reactions from people. OK I won’t because I don’t think it’s cool to sexulize children even if it’s hilarious.). Also, just to make sure we are all on the same page here, this is the definition of  flirt: playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest. Is that the kind of thing you want to imply that your very,very young child is up to? Trying to make sexy feelings in another very very young child? No? Then knock it off. 
  This phenomenon is only grosser when people infer that very, very young children are “flirting” with wayyyy older kids, like teens – or adults. It is so beyond wrong, I don’t even feel like I can get into all the reasons why it is wrong, because if you don’t get it already, you probably won’t ever.
   Anyway, I feel better now I have that off my chest, it’s been bugging me for like 3 weeks.