Category Archives: Maine

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night, and on Overcast Days, and in the Supermarket.

If you have the luck of seeing me out and about, I am probably wearing sunglasses. Not just any sunglasses but huge, monster sunglasses like those worn by the Olsen Twins or Victoria Beckham. The other day, as I sat waiting for Kid to get out of school, I noticed some of the other parents in the lobby looking at me curiously (or not, I’m paranoid, but I BELIEVE they were looking at me  curiously, and that’s all that matters right?). Then I realized they probably thought it was really bizarre I was wearing huge dark glasses at 3:00 in the afternoon (which up here in the tundra is dusk) on an overcast day. I figured they probably think I’m high. Or maybe have a black eye. Or maybe I’m high AND I have a black eye.

Clearly Phrenology Fred doesn't get out much either. I had to hold the glasses up because his ears are flat and slippery.

Alas, I am not high, and luckily I do not have a black eye. I wear dark glasses all the time for two reasons: One, I am extremely light sensitive. Like vampires, I cannot bear the light of day. If I go out without my glasses I get massive headaches and my eyes water uncontrollably.  The eye watering thing happens all the time anyway, which is why I always have mascara smeared all over my face. I’m not trying to look like Tammy Faye Baker on purpose.  Two, I have the world’s worst dark circles under my eyes. No no, I do. Yours are nothing. Mine are worse. Trust me. I have been wearing under eye concealer since…5th grade. Why? Because if you have dark dark circles under your eyes, you constantly hear, “Wow, you look really tired.” or “Wow, are you sick” which translates to “Wow, you look like shit.” Anyhow, I wear huge dark glasses to cover them up, so I don’t have to deal with people commenting on them, and they do. Please don’t email me a million solutions. I know I could get my face bleached. I know it might be allergies, but honestly, it’s hereditary. Ask my mother, or more conveniently: Hey Ma, tell them about our eye bags in the  comments! Thanks.

I’ve encountered people at the  grocery store who have come right out and asked me, “Why are you wearing your sunglasses? Are you afraid someone will see you here?” Yes. I’m scared of the paparazzi. I simply cannot allow photos of me buying tampons to be snapped and published in People. Um, no. Grocery stores are really really bright. They give me headaches. They make my eyes water. This might also be from anxiety, which I experience a fair amount of, but mainly, it’s the brightness.

I have no excuses for the rest of my wardrobe though.

How to Not Get Stabbed While Visiting Maine.

Ok, we won’t actually stab you. I’m not threatening tourists. It’s just sometimes, you guys really make us feel stabby. And though we won’t REALLY stab you, you should know – we don’t do well in heat. It makes us cranky; we’re a cold weather folk. Just sayin’….

It’s the first of June. Kick off to tourist season in Maine, and while a lot of retailers, restaurants, hotels and tourist traps are making a sound like this “SQUEEEEE!”, the rest of us are making a sound like this “#%$&@!”. I’m sure this isn’t just Maine centric. I’m sure people living in any location that has a tourist season feel like this. I can only speak for us Mainers (and from now on I’m going to just say I. The Royal I, if you will. I think it sounds less ridiculous if I use that instead of we. Also, I won’t get in trouble from Maine tourism people who might be annoyed that I’m inferring – ONLY IN JEST  that tourists make us want to stab them.), when I say, “While I’m glad you come here to spend your money, could you possibly try to spend a tiny bit of effort in not acting like a douche?”  I have compiled this helpful guide to help you be less douchey while on vacation.

1. Please consult  a map, GPS, or hell- stop and ask for directions – when you’re traveling. DO NOT just slow down to 10MPH and look at every sign, turnoff, etc. while cars pile up behind you. I know our roads aren’t what you’re used to, they look like side roads to you city people – but these are our main roads, and we’re late.

2. Just because the road is scenic and pretty DO NOT slow down to 10MPH so you can enjoy the view. See #1. True story – once I was traveling to work on a main road and I noticed a car with out of state plates driving super slow, probably about 5MPH, coming in the opposite direction. I wondered if they were having car trouble because there was a HUGE long line of cars behind them and they weren’t pulling over. You know what I saw when I passed them? A dude was driving while a lady was hanging out the window with a video camera taping a field of lupine as they drove by. Seriously. Why couldn’t they pull over? I have no idea. Guess how it made me feel?

3. Stop for people in the cross walk. This means you have to pay a bit of attention when you are driving around and looking at the little town you’re in. Look over here! In front of you! Not over there -> where the cheap lobster rolls are. I can guarantee you, putting me in the hospital is going to cost you a lot more than that lobster roll.
3.a. If you are trying to decide if you want to cross the street, but haven’t quite made up your mind yet – get out of the damned cross walk. Nothing pisses me off more than stopping for someone who is standing at the cross walk only to have them give me the “oh you stopped for me?” look and then shake their heads “no” while they back onto the sidewalk.

4. If you can afford a $200,000 motor home, you can afford a $10,000 car to tow behind it. You know what that means? Take your fracking land yacht to wherever you plan on staying and park it. Don’t bring it into the downtown area of ANYWHERE. I mean it. Park that sucker, get in a nice little Prius, or Civic, or hell Mini Cooper (you know you can afford one) or whatever and use that for cruising around.

Personal Stuff
1. We don’t care who you are, or what you do, or how much money you have. That’s one of the beauties of Maine and Mainers – our Don’t Give a Shittitude. (I think I just made up a word. Feel free to use it.). That’s why some celebrities like it here. Because we seriously don’t give a shit who you are.  You do not have the right to cut in line, or get stuff for free. It’s not going to happen. So don’t berate our employees, make a scene, or try to convince us otherwise. Save yourself the embarrassment, we will kick your asses out of our restaurants/hotels/stores. It happens all the time.

2. Don’t attempt to talk in a Maine accent. You can’t do it. Nope. Stop. Unless you have lived here your ENTIRE life, you won’t be able to, even with elocution lessons. Go watch any Stephen King movie that’s supposed to be set in Maine. It’s horrible. That’s how you sound. When I hear people attempting a Maine accent it makes me feel extremely stabby. (Thank the Bloggess for that term btw. I totally lifted it. Credit where credit’s due and all.) I even hate it when Mainers do a fake Maine accent. Well, except when I’m doing it and making fun of my dad. Then it’s hilarious, except to my dad, who probably wants to stab me when I do it. (Hi Dad! Thanks for reading!!)
2.a. – This also applies to Ayuh and Wicked. Some people use wicked all the time, I get that – especially you from MA, but if you don’t use it regularly and are trying to be cool – we can tell. Knock it off.

3. People are not quaint, or cute. Also, we do not have ” A simple way of life.” This is not an assisted care facility or a home for the mentally ill.

4. If you want to fit in, avoid the following attire: fanny packs, knee socks with sandals. Just dress like you normally would. In fact, don’t even try to fit in. Just be yourself. We like that. Don’t take the fashion advice from this article: Maine Man from GQ . You guys are probably smart enough to know that. I found this article to be pretty insulting actually. I know a lot of hardworking Mainer dudes, many of whom are in my family. I can tell you this, they would rather cut off a thumb then spend $1,600 on a jacket or $289 on a pair of pants. Wear some Grundens and a pair of Carhartts if you really want to look like a lobsterman but unless you are actually on a lobster boat, please don’t.

5. This is probably the most important one. WE LIVE HERE. This is not Disney World, we are not actors in here for your enjoyment. These are our roads and restaurants and businesses. We work hard to make it nice here, and we work hard catching your lobsters, serving your food, and cleaning your hotel rooms.We are people, just like you, going about our lives, and believe it or not – some of us aren’t even involved in tourism, at all. We want to go to the restaurant and coffee shop an walk across the street just like you in your town. It feels pretty douchey that I have to even say that, but it’s true. Just because you are on vacation, doesn’t give you license to act like a knucklehead. Pretend your home, but it’s prettier and has better food.

We do want you here. We want your money, quite honestly. Also, it’s a super awesome state with lots to see and do, so come check it out! We won’t stab you, I promise.